Take my world apart.

Over the past few days, I have thought quite a bit about my spiritual life. It has been a very long time since I have done this. It has been a long time since I have really, truly prayed. Even longer since I've spent any meaningful time reading Scripture. Thinking back even just three years ago, when I was hungry and passionate for God, it's hard for me to come to terms with how things have changed, how much things have changed. This is all very difficult for me to write. I could blame residency or my parents' really messed up, going on three years, on and off divorce, but clearly there's something deeper at the root of it.

I'm not exactly sure what is going on. It's not a crisis of intellectual faith at all--I know that God is real, that Jesus is the Savior of the world, and that, even though I'm pretty much a screw up, God does love me. I think that the earthly loneliness that I feel has somehow extended into a spiritual loneliness. My family of origin has fallen apart, and I don't have a family of my own...it's a weird spot in life that is really common for single adults my age. Where things have gone wrong, I think, is that instead of being bolstered by the infinite love of God, I've somehow wavered. Intellectually, I believe, and emotionally, I do love God, but I do not trust Him like I used to, like I should. I recognize that as the spiritual failing that it is, and I am ashamed. And I know that I've shut out other people here because of it. The sin, shame, self-loathing, distance from God, increased sin, increased shame, increased self-loathing, increased distance from God spiral is a dangerous one.

So how do I get back? Only through the grace of God, I know.

I love music, and certain songs have always evoked this visceral response in me. Not even really great songs...I hear certain songs during pivotal times in my life, and they are etched in my memories forever. Every time I hear "Kiss From a Rose" I feel the anxiety of starting the eighth grade in Mississippi after living nearly my entire life in the northeast. My family lived in a hotel room while we were closing on our house, and the radio played that song every morning while I was getting ready for school. (No DJ at 6 am, just the same 10 songs on repeat.) During intern year, "Human" by the Killers was so overplayed that, despite that it totally drives me crazy, it will forever be my intern anthem.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am pretty critical of contemporary Christian music (my sister and I call it CCM...except to us that stands for "crappy Christian music"). I mostly just wish that Christian artists would be a little bit (or a lot) more creative lyrically and musically and that they would please stop remaking Sting songs that don't have anything to do with God. That said, the Psalms are beautiful (I wish I knew the original melodies!), and I believe that God has created in us an emotional connection to music for a reason...another way to draw us to Him.

The one band that I do like is Jars of Clay...I think for the most part that their music is thoughtful, intelligent and beautiful. One particular song of theirs is special to me...I first heard it during a low period a few years ago, and it really sums up what I pray now, even when I'm so broken that I feel like I have no words to pray. I have some lyrics and a video below...if you haven't heard the song, if you like good music, listen.

Why am I sharing all this in my usually insipid blog? I don't know exactly. I know some people will pray for me, which is wonderful. But also, I think there is this tendency for Christians to always be okay and fine, and it's just not always that way. I'm not making excuses for myself (the point is not to "continue in sin, that grace might abound")...I just want you to know that if you are struggling, you aren't alone. Our struggles and failings and imperfections do not make God any less glorious; they make it all the more miraculous that He loves us.

"Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost,
wipe away the crimson stains
that dull the nails that still remain.
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour,
the battle between grace and pride
gave up not so long ago.
So steal my heart and take the pain,
wash my feet and cleanse my pride.
Take the selfish, take the weak,
all the things I cannot hide.
Take my beauty, take my tears,
sin-soaked heart, make it yours.
Take my world all apart,
take it now, take it now.

Just some things.

I have friends who are really awesome bloggers. Funny, self-deprecating in that oh so charming sort of way, smart, insightful. I just sort of write stuff. I've had a pretty intense go of residency lately, but I finally get to catch my breath. I just got off a week of vacation, and now I'm on nephrology (kidney), which is pretty much a 40-50 hour/week gig. So nice. Also the attendings are my favorites because they are both nice and quirky. I really appreciate folks who think outside the box. I'm not kidding...today one of my attendings compared a patient encounter to a four hour pap smear. Who does that?

If you think that all of this free time means that I've found myself a social life...well...what can I say? Hey, the Olympics are on! In all seriousness, I'm pretty obsessed with the Olympics. Biathlon is awesome. Shooting a gun and cross country skiing...who knew? And I acted like the silliest of silly fan girls at both Evan Lysacek's and Bode Miller's wins. And our nordic and alpine ski teams are AMAZING.

My cat is being super cute right now. We have an evening routine going, and by routine I mean cuddling and watching the Olympics. Right now, even as I type this, she's lying on my shoulder between me and my computer, her little face pressed to my face, purring. She's watching me type. It's adorable. And yes, I'm rapidly descending into old cat lady-dom. It was kind of inevitable; I started out as a homebody, anyway, and Gracie's pretty much the cutest, sweetest cat in the world.

Now I'm more than halfway through with residency...which means that pretty soon I have to find a job. I'm almost twenty-eight, and I have never in my life had to go find a job. Jobs have just sort of found me. It's scary...and exciting. I'm not even sure where to look. Ten years ago, I didn't really think I would be almost thirty and still flying solo...it's a daunting prospect to set out on my own, again, and start all over, again. Sometimes I worry that all the time I've spent in training for this job will mean that this job is all that I will ever have. Well, this job and my cat, right?

Ha. No, seriously, I'm actually sitting at the computer laughing at myself. Things are not that dire.

Also, I would like everyone to know that fanfiction is hilarious. Random people actually write stories about, like, the vampires of Twilight going to Hogwarts. Or the kids in Glee getting it on with the Cullens. (Actually, there is this sort of disease of people writing stories that link popular television programs to either Harry Potter or Twilight.) Mostly, these stories are written without the littlest hint of irony. It is ridiculous and thus hilarious and awesome. On a similar note, if you have managed to escape seeing the Twilight movies, do not see them. They are really awful.

I think I'm done rambling for now.