Over the past few days, I have thought quite a bit about my spiritual life. It has been a very long time since I have done this. It has been a long time since I have really, truly prayed. Even longer since I've spent any meaningful time reading Scripture. Thinking back even just three years ago, when I was hungry and passionate for God, it's hard for me to come to terms with how things have changed, how much things have changed. This is all very difficult for me to write. I could blame residency or my parents' really messed up, going on three years, on and off divorce, but clearly there's something deeper at the root of it.
I'm not exactly sure what is going on. It's not a crisis of intellectual faith at all--I know that God is real, that Jesus is the Savior of the world, and that, even though I'm pretty much a screw up, God does love me. I think that the earthly loneliness that I feel has somehow extended into a spiritual loneliness. My family of origin has fallen apart, and I don't have a family of my own...it's a weird spot in life that is really common for single adults my age. Where things have gone wrong, I think, is that instead of being bolstered by the infinite love of God, I've somehow wavered. Intellectually, I believe, and emotionally, I do love God, but I do not trust Him like I used to, like I should. I recognize that as the spiritual failing that it is, and I am ashamed. And I know that I've shut out other people here because of it. The sin, shame, self-loathing, distance from God, increased sin, increased shame, increased self-loathing, increased distance from God spiral is a dangerous one.
So how do I get back? Only through the grace of God, I know.
I love music, and certain songs have always evoked this visceral response in me. Not even really great songs...I hear certain songs during pivotal times in my life, and they are etched in my memories forever. Every time I hear "Kiss From a Rose" I feel the anxiety of starting the eighth grade in Mississippi after living nearly my entire life in the northeast. My family lived in a hotel room while we were closing on our house, and the radio played that song every morning while I was getting ready for school. (No DJ at 6 am, just the same 10 songs on repeat.) During intern year, "Human" by the Killers was so overplayed that, despite that it totally drives me crazy, it will forever be my intern anthem.
Everyone who knows me knows that I am pretty critical of contemporary Christian music (my sister and I call it CCM...except to us that stands for "crappy Christian music"). I mostly just wish that Christian artists would be a little bit (or a lot) more creative lyrically and musically and that they would please stop remaking Sting songs that don't have anything to do with God. That said, the Psalms are beautiful (I wish I knew the original melodies!), and I believe that God has created in us an emotional connection to music for a reason...another way to draw us to Him.
The one band that I do like is Jars of Clay...I think for the most part that their music is thoughtful, intelligent and beautiful. One particular song of theirs is special to me...I first heard it during a low period a few years ago, and it really sums up what I pray now, even when I'm so broken that I feel like I have no words to pray. I have some lyrics and a video below...if you haven't heard the song, if you like good music, listen.
Why am I sharing all this in my usually insipid blog? I don't know exactly. I know some people will pray for me, which is wonderful. But also, I think there is this tendency for Christians to always be okay and fine, and it's just not always that way. I'm not making excuses for myself (the point is not to "continue in sin, that grace might abound")...I just want you to know that if you are struggling, you aren't alone. Our struggles and failings and imperfections do not make God any less glorious; they make it all the more miraculous that He loves us.
"Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost,
wipe away the crimson stains
that dull the nails that still remain.
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour,
the battle between grace and pride
gave up not so long ago.
So steal my heart and take the pain,
wash my feet and cleanse my pride.
Take the selfish, take the weak,
all the things I cannot hide.
Take my beauty, take my tears,
sin-soaked heart, make it yours.
Take my world all apart,
take it now, take it now.
2 comments:
Oh, Alli, you post means a lot to me right now. Thank you for being brave and open and writing that; I needed to hear that. And "Worlds Apart" is such a powerful song.
call me sometime...
I didn't call you before your glorious "normal" hours ended. Maybe I can still get you on the phone sometime soon :)
Thanks for sharing this, Allison. I have felt that distance and continue to sometimes, especially with prayer.
It is openness, however hard it is to do, that can pull us out of the loneliness and distance. Someone told me once that when you don't see God in your life and sense his presence, you can look to the body - his hands and feet- and find it there.
I know that books are not the answer, but if you haven't read Life of the Beloved by Nouwen, it's a good one.
Take care of those babies.
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