A bit of a serious entry for once. I am starting this awesome study of 1 and 2 Samuel (books of the Bible) by Beth Moore (she wrote the study; God wrote the Bible). It focuses on the life of David but draws from a bunch of different parts of Scripture. Last week's reading focused on Saul and his disobedience and also sort of the start of David's story. (For those of y'all who aren't Bible reading folks, Saul was first king of Israel...he was not a very good king.)
Anyway, a couple of verses made a big impression on me, so I wanted to discuss them a bit. I hope that I don't take them too out of context.
The following is from 1 Samuel 14. "Now the men of Israel were in distress that day, because Saul had bound the people under an oath, saying, 'Cursed be any man who eats food before evening comes, before I have avenged myself on my enemies!' So none of the troops tasted food....That day, after the Israelites had struck down the Philistines from Micmash to Aijalon, they were exhausted. They pounced on the plunder and, taking sheep, cattle and calves, they butchered them on the ground and ate them, together with the blood. Then someone said to Saul, 'Look, the men are sinning against the LORD by eating meat that has blood in it.' "
Saul had bound his men under an oath to fast that was not from God. The men obviously needed nourishment to do their work (they were fighting a war). As Beth Moore, the author of the Bible study, pointed out, fasting that was not inspired by God led to exhaustion, which caused the men to eat the wrong things. Doing something externally virtuous for the wrong reasons led them to sin.
Does this strike a nerve in anyone else as it does me? There have been times in my life where I have fasted for the totally wrong reasons...to try to be as thin as I could. It led to me being completely focused on myself and my physical hunger...and pushing away my spiritual hunger for God. Most days, I ended up sleeping all afternoon from being weak...or eating the totally wrong things in inappropriate quantities. I did get thinner, but I felt totally ugly on the inside. There are some complicated reasons why I am like that sometimes, which probably are even more "TMI" than what I've just written, but I think the heart of the matter can be summed up in another Bible verse from this week's study that struck my heart.
"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7b)
Reading this verse last week brought to the forefront of my attention my sinful perspective. I really struggle with hating the way I look. Not just being a bit dissatisfied with a couple of extra pounds or a couple of blemishes on my face...but this deep-seated hatred of my appearance. A couple of days ago I got my residency application photo, and it was NOT good. I hate being on that side of the camera, anyway. Not liking a picture is really normal. But I spent at least thirty minutes stewing over it...how I wasn't going to get into residency because I'm so ugly...how even if I did get into residency, I'm never going to find anyone who is going to marry me because of my huge Amazonian ugliness. I just walked around campus and ruminated. And I had already read (and thought I had taken to heart) the above Bible verse. Eventually, I did laugh at myself over the ERAS photo "crisis." But it still bothers me, I'm not going to lie. And it has been extra hard hanging out with all these pediatrics residents who are super thin and cute.
Having a heart that is so focused on appearance does affect my relationship with God. I know it does. I just don't know how to realign my perspective. Even when I strive after the heart of God and try to focus on the right things, there is still this voice that haunts me with, "You are so ugly and fat and disgusting. No one is ever going to want you." I really believe that is true, and that belief is sinful. I suppose I have to trust God for a "heart makeover." Praying for a heart that is more focused on God would be a good start, I think...I want to WANT to have a beautiful heart more than I want a beautiful face or figure.
Hmmmm...I need to be quiet for awhile. Later, I will post about how stellar my sub-I has been so far. It does pretty much rock.
3 comments:
I feel the same way about my hair. It never looks right, and I always wish it wasn't so dry and thick and that my hair around my bangs always breaks off and never grows out. I always think if my hair was different, I would look perfect. I think everyone has one feature about them they wish they could change, but your blog was accurate in my opinion. I think we look at things differently than God and you summarized it nicely. You have a good weekend & I am glad you are having a good time on your sub-I.
Some pretty profound comments there...I can definitely relate to wanting to have the desire to be/do (insert Godly attribute, etc. here). Glad you enjoyed the Sub-I...good luck with whatever's next!
Allison,
Thanks for your invite. I was headed to New Orleans that weekend for the Association of Women Surgeons meeting. It is too bad that I'm going to miss you. I really have enjoyed it in Memphis. Dr. Robertson is so nice, and I know why you speak so highly of him. Let me know how things are going for you and where you are going to interview at.
Leslie
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