The last half of 2008 was pretty much dedicated to my new job. A lot of people can go 120% all day and function well. Not me. Eighty hours a week at the hospital, and I pretty much spent the rest of the time sleeping. This has had significant consequences for my physical, emotional, social and spiritual health. I've gained weight (more than I'm going to confess on the world wide web!), which has in itself caused me to isolate myself quite a bit. In this society that glorifies thinness, not measuring up to that ideal is shameful, and it's pretty easy to condemn oneself in that situation. I have gotten to the point where I don't want to leave my apartment because I don't want anyone to see me. That is certainly is not an attitude that honors God, nor is it honorable to eat in an unhealthful way and not take care of one's body through regular activity. So I feel guilty for a lot of reasons...
More importantly, my spiritual health as suffered as I have spent much less time in prayer, in corporate worship and in study of the Bible as I did in medical school. Part of that is unavoidable...I work an awful lot of Sundays. But another part is this feeling of aloneness, of separation from God (even though I know He is there), which has made it difficult for me to pray. This has just been a really hard year, and I have made a lot of mistakes...and I think my tendency is to try to hide from God, even though I know that is impossible.
In any event, I am renewing my commitment to health. For my physical health, I commit to eating healthfully and exercising on a regular basis. For my social health, I will try to go out and socialize more...although I know myself, and I think I will need to be a little thinner before I am willing to do that. For my spiritual health, I commit to going to church when I am not working and to seek out a renewed relationship with God through prayer and study. This will be very difficult for me, so I ask for your prayers.
I do realize that this is a bit personal for a blog, but...there you go. I know that a lot of other women feel like me, and perhaps this is helpful in some way. Or it's not at all, and I'm just being self-indulgent. I'll update along this journey but in a bit less personal way. Promise. :)
1 comment:
I can totally relate. This year I have had more classical migraines than I have had over the last four years. The disturbances in sleep and eating as well as all the Dr. Pepper and Coffee I think have helped trigger some of them. I felt a few months ago I must have been falling apart. I can also relate about the spiritual side of things. I have gone months without getting to church. One Sunday I had off I got ready, but fell asleep in my Sunday clothes in my bed as I waiting for church time after eating breakfast. I felt so bad, but realized I must have needed the extra sleep. I have a few adults at church who have on their own kept tabs on me without making me feel bad for not showing up since it seens I am always working. However, when I get more time like this rotation, it was so refreshing to go and worship. As far as the weight thing, one of my fellow interns put on like 20 lbs. He has this program in his cell phone that keeps calorie tabs. He only eats 2000 calories a day now. But still eats what he wants. If he gets to it by lunch, he will just drink water the rest of the day. I swear he dropped those pounds after about 2-3 months. He wasn't even excercising. You might try something like that. A calorie count, that way it isn't so hard if you eat something good every now and then. Hope that advice helps and if you need anything, feel free to give me a ring or email.
-Leslie
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