I heart Sarah... :)

Last weekend, my old roommate and dear, dear friend Sarah came to visit. It was so wonderful to see her. We didn't do anything super exciting...we went hiking, played in the snow, saw a movie...but it was great just to hang out with her and catch up. I think one of the hardest parts of moving and starting intern year has been making friends. I'm kind of shy at first, and a little hard to get to know...and yet, like everyone else, I long to be known. I had such a great group of friends in medical school; we grew pretty close over the four years. None of us had to worry about being cool or impressing each other. It was such a comfortable feeling. Here, despite the many awesome people I know (like my fabulous co-interns!!!), I don't feel that just yet. And I certainly haven't made things easy...I've been a bit of a recluse. I am not very good at change.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it was great having Sarah here. And I may have cried after she left. Ha. I'm turning into such a wimp.

It's so nice to have time to think.

I've had a pretty front loaded year. It's exciting, this whole learning how to be a doctor by running around like crazy taking care of patients (and maybe running myself into the ground at the same time!), but it's frustrating not having time to think about my patients. To sit and ponder what's going on with them, the complexities of their social situations, what I may be missing. On the wards, it's just admit, admit, code, transfer, discharge, admit, admit. This month I'm on outpatient, which may not be as thrilling in the traditional way (a lot of ear infections and strep throat and colds) but having time to think is so...luxurious. I love it. (OK, I also love sleeping eight hours a night.) It makes me realize that I probably am best suited to a "thinking" subspecialty, or maybe general peds.

Working 45-50 hours a week is fantastic. I feel like an normal person!

Commitment to health!

The last half of 2008 was pretty much dedicated to my new job. A lot of people can go 120% all day and function well. Not me. Eighty hours a week at the hospital, and I pretty much spent the rest of the time sleeping. This has had significant consequences for my physical, emotional, social and spiritual health. I've gained weight (more than I'm going to confess on the world wide web!), which has in itself caused me to isolate myself quite a bit. In this society that glorifies thinness, not measuring up to that ideal is shameful, and it's pretty easy to condemn oneself in that situation. I have gotten to the point where I don't want to leave my apartment because I don't want anyone to see me. That is certainly is not an attitude that honors God, nor is it honorable to eat in an unhealthful way and not take care of one's body through regular activity. So I feel guilty for a lot of reasons...

More importantly, my spiritual health as suffered as I have spent much less time in prayer, in corporate worship and in study of the Bible as I did in medical school. Part of that is unavoidable...I work an awful lot of Sundays. But another part is this feeling of aloneness, of separation from God (even though I know He is there), which has made it difficult for me to pray. This has just been a really hard year, and I have made a lot of mistakes...and I think my tendency is to try to hide from God, even though I know that is impossible.

In any event, I am renewing my commitment to health. For my physical health, I commit to eating healthfully and exercising on a regular basis. For my social health, I will try to go out and socialize more...although I know myself, and I think I will need to be a little thinner before I am willing to do that. For my spiritual health, I commit to going to church when I am not working and to seek out a renewed relationship with God through prayer and study. This will be very difficult for me, so I ask for your prayers.

I do realize that this is a bit personal for a blog, but...there you go. I know that a lot of other women feel like me, and perhaps this is helpful in some way. Or it's not at all, and I'm just being self-indulgent. I'll update along this journey but in a bit less personal way. Promise. :)

The blog is back again!

I really am going to try to post on a regular basis. My inspiration for renewing this blog is really not wanting to work on my journal club presentation. Sorry, Tiffany....

It's been nearly a year since I've posted, so I won't give a huge update. I graduated from medical school, packed up and moved to Salt Lake City, and started pediatrics residency. It's been hard and awesome. My schedule was "front-loaded", so the worst of intern year is over. Only one more month where I have every fourth night call!

What has made this year awesome:
1. Awesome co-interns. I don't hang out with them as much as I should because I've gotten all shy and stuff. Weird, I know. But they are some of the smartest, kindest, coolest people I've ever met. Heart.

2. Awesome mountains. So gorgeous. I've been hiking and snowshoeing but no skiing. Scandalous, I know. I'm working on being a little more adventurous. I have gone into major hermit mode this year.

3. My awesome cat. Her name is Gracie. I adopted her from a shelter a few days before she was going to get put down. She is super cuddly. She is actually sitting on my lap now and purring up a storm.

4. Awesome patients. Kids are cute. Pediatrics is the best field. They also make you very sweet arts and crafts projects. I have also had at least three patients, all under the age of 6, point out that I look much better in my ID photo than I do in real life. (They do see me in the middle of the night most of the time, but still!) Ha!

I intubated a baby last night (just temporarily). And the baby did totally fine. That was pretty cool.

What has made this year a little less awesome:
1. Driving to work before 5:30 am before the plows go through.
2. Suddenly being shy and not very social....again, so weird.
3. Gaining weight because of poor diet and exercise. OK...so maybe number 2 is has something to do with embarrassment/shame related to number 3. But I'm working on it!
4. The universal intern fear of screwing up and harming a patient.

The awesomeness outweighs the badness, though. :)

Lots of love to the four people who read this blog!